Mozart And Quaking Cat

Eco Warriors are GREAT ADVOCATES of FAIR TREATMENT FOR ANIMALS particularly as THEY CAN SENSE DANGER much more quickly than humans.Which is why we are impressed with recent developments to help PETS IN TIMES OF EARTHQUAKES.

The latest CHARLIE TANNER 'EBE' AWARD* (see earlier blog) goes to the Japanese manufacturer who has invented EARTHQUAKE PACKS FOR PETS. Angus Burton is KEEN TO GET HIS HANDS ON ONE for his obese dog, Henry VIII. He says Henry VIII "DIDN'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT TO DO" when his kennel vibrated like our houses did in 2008. He only settled down when Angus played MOZART'S PIANO MUSIC. That earthquake measured 5.2 ON THE RICHTER SCALE and one man was taken to hospital after a CHIMNEY COLLAPSED AND FELL THROUGH HIS BEDROOM ROOF.

Anyway THE HINAN JACKET, as the earthquake pack is called, includes a PADDED JACKET and RAIN HAT and SPECIAL BOOTS TO PROTECT PAWS. Each kit also comes with a waterproof capsule holding details of the pet's address and a SPECIAL AROMATHERAPY OIL to sooth frightened animals. They expect to SELL LIKE HOT CAKES (or molten rock) in places like LOS ANGELES that has had more than its FAIR SHARE OF QUAKES. My friend RAM says he CANNOT SEE how these packs can AID THE HELPLESS GOLDFISH. He has a point. Angus thinks the pack should also include an IPOD with HEADPHONES so that pets can RELAX WITH MUSIC like Mozart's.

Speaking of Mozart, it has been RECORDED IN HISTORY that when he was EIGHT YEARS OLD Mozart was tested by the ROYAL SOCIETY to find out whether he was really a BRILLIANT CHILD PROTEGE or a TALENTED DWARF. The tester eventually announced Mozart was INDEED A CHILD when, IN FULL CONCERTO MODE, he became DISTRACTED by a cat that DARTED ACROSS the room.

What it not recorded in history is whether that DARTING CAT had sensed an IMPENDING VIENNESE EARTHQUAKE and through his DISTRACTING ACTIONS saved a BRILLIANT COMPOSER whose PRECOCIOUS TALENT would prove to be soothing during times of national disasters.

Tigers In Space

This business about Angus Burton getting interested in science and wanting to be an econaut is GETTING OUT OF HAND. He now tells us that "space" would be A HAPPY PLACE TO LIVE because you CANNOT CRY IN SPACE. This is because THERE IS NO GRAVITY AND TEARS CANNOT FLOW as they might do on earth. Apparently you can produce tears in space but they LEAVE THE EYE AND FLOAT AROUND. Ram and I would be MORE IMPRESSED if ANGUS BURTON put the SAME ENERGY into EARTHLY MATTERS than coming up with what he things are STUNNING FACTS like this. Anyway the BIG NEWS IS that Indian wildlife authorities have taken THREE BENGAL TIGERS BY HELICOPTER to an EMPTY RESERVE IN RAJASTHAN in an attempt to REVIVE THE COUNTRY'S FLAGGING TIGER POPULATION. (We are hoping that the tigers WERE NOT DISTRESSED by having to fly in a helicopter because it is NOT SOMETHING THEY WOULD BE USED TO. Apparently, like STANLEY JOHNSON'S concerns about GORILLAS - (see earlier blog) tigers have nearly been WIPED OUT. Angus Burton has suggested flying the tigers out to a SPACE STATION as there is NO SUCH THING as an ECO POACHER and they could BREED SAFELY IN SPACE and live HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Boris The Candle

There has been an interesting development re Boris and his plans for London. I am not sure if he had LAND CONSERVATION in mind when he came up with the idea of building a RESIDENTIAL BRIDGE ACROSS THE THAMES but it seemed to me to be quite a GOOD IDEA. Of course ANGUS BURTON thinks it's a huge joke and that IT WOULD NEVER BE POSSIBLE to build houses, flats, offices and shops on a GIANT BRIDGE - he says it would CREAK UNDER THE STRESS and it would ONLY BE A MATTER OF TIME before the whole lot crashed into the Thames and the RESULTING SINKING would make the TITANIC look like a DOLPHIN FLIP . Then he said it might cause a TSUNAMI and everyone would be screaming for Noah to SAVE THEIR PETS. Angus Burton has no sense.

Anyway the other news about Boris is that there is a GIANT WAXWORK of him in MADAM TUSSARDS. He "walked around himself" and said he didn't realise how fat he was. I have a plan. To SAVE ELECTRICITY in TRAFALGAR SQUARE and to light up NELSON'S COLUMN I suggest that they thread a GIANT WICK through the the Boris waxwork and we could have a GIANT BORIS CANDLE. This would be another great TOURIST ATTRACTION.

There is more news to come of Angus Burton's nits.

Swampy. My Hero.

Today it was my turn to give a FIVE MINUTE talk about MY HERO. This was a TALL ORDER after RAM's impressive talk about NELSON MANDELA. Most of the class spoke about footballers, even some of the girls, but I spoke about SWAMPY. Swampy is an ECO WARRIOR who once lived in some underground tunnels, like a human mole, near a new road called THE A34. Swampy lived in these tunnels to try and STOP THE ROAD FROM BEING BUILT. Then he tried to stop a runway being built at Manchester Airport which was BRAVE as that’s not easy to do when there are gigantic jets roaring round your head. Once Swampy lived up in a tree to stop it from being axed down. It didn’t work but it was A BRAVE ATTEMPT. Swampy is also not a fan of NUCLEAR SUBMARINES. He doesn’t live in a house he lives in the middle of a forest in a YURT which is a bit like a tent. Nomads in Central Asia live in YURTS. Swampy does not have any electricity or running water from taps and he uses and ECO LOO which is a hole in the ground with straw and stuff in it. He LIVES OFF THE LAND and grows all his own vegetables. Swampy is, I told the class, THE REAL DEAL which is why he is MY HERO.

Miss Piggott said HOW FASCINATING CHARLIE BUT IT IS IMPORTANT NOT TO TAKE DANGEROUS RISKS LIKE TRYING TO BE A HUMAN MOLE WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO SAVE THE WORLD.

Angus Burton, the class clown, says his fat dog, Henry VIII, would make a good protestor like Swampy because HE SOMETIMES SITS IN THE ROAD AND WON’T MOVE. He would be an IDEAL BLOCKADE for any new runway. He also said that his dog uses ECO LOOS because he just GOES wherever he wants outside. He laughed his head off when he said his dog was a terrier and could be an ECO TERRIER. None of us thought it was as funny as he did. One day I expect he may take life more seriously - it is to be hoped so as it has been officially confirmed that he has nits and is hoping to share them with others as he says SOMEONE HAS DEFINITELY SHARED THEM WITH HIM.

Two Nelsons Rock The Boat

On Friday my friend Ram gave a five minute class talk about HIS HERO. He said his hero was NELSON MANDELA. Angus Burton, the class clown, thought this was the Nelson that sailed about on ships and ONLY HAD ONE ARM and a girlfriend called JOSEPHINE.

Ram didn't seem distracted by this because he is TOO POLITE. Ram said that Nelson Mandela spent TWENTY SEVEN YEARS IN PRISON because he UPSET THE AUTHORITIES IN SOUTH AFRICA. This was at the time of apartheid which means that people were separated because of the COLOUR OF THEIR SKIN. When Nelson Mandela was released he campaigned for everyone to be friends with each other and became the first BLACK PRESIDENT OF SOUTH AFRICA. Ram said that to many people Nelson Mandela has become a symbol of FREEDOM AND EQUALITY and has received over ONE HUNDRED AWARDS including the NOBEL PEACE PRIZE. Angus Burton said THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE.

Ram said that he would like to HOLD PUBLIC OFFICE one day. This is MUSIC TO MY EARS as I am sure he would like to replace bendy buses with elephants from Botswana and would MAKE HIS OWN SANDWICHES and not buy IMPORTS FROM NORWAY. Ram and I could not believe our eyes when we saw an empty sandwich wrapper which said "imported from Norway". Ram is a Hindu and does not eat meat or fish because he is a VEGETARIAN so he would have to have EGG SANDWICHES not ones made with ICELANDIC SALMON. Tomorrow will be my talk - and it will not be about Boris Johnson although he is a hero in the making.

There is much talk about whether Boris will be Prime Minster one day. He said he had more chance of being "decapitated by a frisbee."

Gorillas At The Palace!

In the year 3,000 Charlie Tanner's Record of an Eco Warrior will be an historical document just like Samuel Pepys Diary. My ultimate aims are to reduce the carbon footprint with the help of Prime Ministers and Presidents; to eradicate nits by safe and effective means so that headlice become an extinct species, worldwide. They are a bit like a modern day plague without the poisonous bits;

to lobby the media re the obesity epidemic, smoking

and land hijacking.

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We are all giving a five minute talk at school about our hero. I have been thinking about London's Mayor, Boris Johnson. He is great at verbal acrobatics and once described windfarms as "giant bird blenders. " Boris's dad, Stanley, once got The Greenpeace Prize For Outstanding Services To The Environment. Stanley returned not long ago from Botswana where he was writing about elephants. This is not much use to Boris as there are no elephants in London apart from at the zoo. Boris seems keen to sort out the transport crisis in the capital. This is music to my ears. He is not a fan of bendy buses. I thought he should make everyone walk everywhere or get his dad to bring over some elephants from Botswana for us to ride everywhere on. It would also be a good tourist attraction to know that we ride on elephants when we do our shopping or go to the theatre. The Queen would look great on an elephant instead of a horse when she rides about doing all that important stuff. When I told Angus Burton this, Angus is in my class, he said perhaps they could change bendy buses for bendy elephants. I told him not to be so stupid. Stanley also spent three days walking in The Congo looking for gorillas. He didn’t find any and fears they may have been "wiped out". This is a shame for Boris. It would have been a good tourist attraction if gorillas replaced the guards at Buckingham Palace. People would crowd by the gates to see The Changing Of The Gorillas!

My friend, Ram, who is a Hindu, is going to give a five minute talk about his hero, Nelson Mandela. Angus Burton thought this was a man who "sailed around on boats, had only one arm and a girlfriend called Josephine. " Our teacher, Miss Piggott, said he was "sadly mistaken" and that Nelson Mandela was a "truly impressive man." I am looking forward to Ram's talk.